Dancing With The Anonymous Stars

Once again, I am writing while flying.  I just took off from Atlanta and as I look down, I can read all the misspelled names on the water towers below so I guess I am flying over Alabama (my nephew Craig is sure to respond).  I just read Webster’s Online Dictionary for a definition of “star”:

1. a self-luminous gaseous spheroidal celestial body of great mass which produces energy by means of nuclear fusion reactions (add a nuclear reaction and I am a this)
2. A five pointed (six for my Jewish friends) shape
3. the principal member of a theatrical or operatic company who usually plays the chief role; a highly publicized theatrical or motion-picture performer; an outstandingly talented performer (track star); a person who is preeminent in a particular field

It is that last one that gets me.  I don’t think Webster would define a star as someone “who is known to six persons” but apparently that is what the modern day definition must be.  Back in the day, a star was Charlton Heston, Terry Bradshaw or even temporarily those two guys from Millie Vanilli (Rob and Fab).  A large population knew these people and they were often beloved.   You didn’t have to explain who a star was. 

Fast forward to 2010 and look at what we call stars.  Every person who takes a camcorder on their honeymoon is considered an adult film star.  Apparently star status is achieved after 1 film.  Same thing for music.  A garage band stamps out 500 cd’s on their college computer and suddenly they call themselves rock stars.  In 1983 Dexy’s Midnight Runners were not “stars” for their  one song “Come On Eileen”.  They were musicians or recording artists.  Today the band would be rock stars and Eileen would likely also get adult film star status just from the title. 

My bigger gripe is with the most popular reality shows of these modern times, “Dancing With The Stars” (DWTS).  I am proud to be in the minority of people who have never watched that show.   I think the concept is fairly stupid and the judges do their best to emulate American Idol judges (The Brit, the sweet woman, the hip dude).  But I would like to examine just what ABC constitutes as stars. 

First, I will give you that Marie Osmond, Emmit Smith, Jerry Rice and a few others do deserve the star moniker.  They achieved greatness before the show.    Then you get the well known people but their achievements aren’t exactly top of their field.  I love Jennifer Grey but she was the second star in one dancing movie (which should disqualify her amateur dancing status) and she played the angry sister for 10 minutes in “Ferris Buehler’s day off.  Cameron and Mr. Rooney had bigger roles.   David Hasselfoff is well known but only a star in Germany.  Here was a soap opera doctor, the Knight Rider which was not a hit show, and a lifeguard on a syndicated show that was watched by guys and k.d. lang only for the girls jobbing on the beach.  If the Hoff was a star it was from enjoying a Whopper eaten off his kitchen floor when he was “Charlie Sheen drunk”.

Cloris Leachman was well known but usually as a supporting role except her spinoff role as Phyllis that lasted 2 years.  She did bring in the audience but only because people were fascinated by the possibility of someone dying of old age or breaking a hip on live TV.  Plus there are always roomers these “stars” were hooking up with their partners and people were curious to see if her 25 year old partner would drink from a milk carton that expired about the same time as Hitler did.  I bet during the competition they injected her with a horse’s hypodermic needle full of Boniva just to keep those calcium deficient legs from snapping like they belonged to Joe Theisman.

Then there is Bristol Palin.  Is she a star because John McCain chose her mom to be VP just so he could get lucky with Executive Order #69 if elected?  Or is Bristol a star because her boyfriend was in Playgirl (I only read it for the articles).  Or is she a star for being pregnant in high school (she could be a star on MTV’s 16 and Pregnant)?  None of those seem to me worthy of star status.  Why not get the grandson of Spiro Agnew or Dan Quayle on the show next season?  Better yet, the Pro Life movement could have a new strategy, standing outside abortion clinics and begging pregnant girls to instead head over to ABC studios to meet Tom Burgereon.  If they do start doing that, DWTS is likely to move from ABC to Fox News right away.  It seems Bristol was famous only because of other people, or at least other people’s inability to put on a condom correctly.  She did manage to boost the ratings as she proved what Sanjaya on American Idol almost did, you can’t let people vote for talent shows.  Who wouldn’t vote for Captain Sully Sullinberger if he were on “America’s Got Talent”?  Sure it takes talent to land a plane in a river but would that make his violin solo any better?

In my day (boy that makes me feel old) we had circus of the stars, and you got Victoria Principal, or John Ritter from Three’s Company.  We didn’t let Mr. Roper or Mr. Furley on that trapeze.  Today, our dancing stars are people from the Food Network, or Duane Lee the assistant to Dog the Bounty Hunter.  We had Bo or Luke Duke, but we didn’t make a star out of Enos or Cooter.    Tough luck Jim Bob from the Waltons, you too Ike Godsey.  When John Boy turned down our celebrity shows, they moved on to Bob Newhart or Mrs. Brady. 

I am looking forward to the next batch of “stars’:

1. The nerdy kid from Degrassi
2. Justin Beiber’s cousin Dustin Beiber
3. The janitor from Harry Potter
4. Robert Downey Sr.
5. Jacksonville Jaguar’s quarterback David Garoud
6. Roger Clinton
7. Chef Roy Ardee
8. Gellman, the producer for Regis
9. Creed from The Office
10. Ted, the narrator of “Call of Duty Black Ops” on Xbox
11. Harvey, the big gulping boss from TMZ
12. The Rod Serling look alike from the Geico commercials

And my Mom won’t miss an episode again.  In the words of Kasey Kasem “Keep reaching for the stars” because these days, that isn’t such that strenuous of a reach.

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