A month ago, I thought Wikileaks was just one of the symptoms of a prostate problem. Then Julian Assange, the dorky Australian founder of the website releases a bunch of secret documents and most of the world leaders are going crazy.
Not sure if Julian is reading my blog from his jail cell, but just in case, I want to give you a little advice in case you don’t get shivved in gut by a mysterious prisoner. As you spoon with Rocco your cell mate, make new friends in the shower, and you do a lot of working out similar to using the Shake Weight For Men, without the actual Shake Weight For Men, realize you didn’t have to end up in prison. Instead of leaking who is a spy or where we keep the military stockpile of condoms, next time leak information the public really wants to know and you will be a hero. Here are a few nuggets you should have Wiki-leaked:
1. Who Killed JFK. Release the receipts where LBJ bought Oswald a rifle, or the memo from the Secret Service telling Mrs. Kennedy she should wear something “easy to clean” for the parade, or Jack Ruby’s “To Do” list which said “permanently shut up Oswald” right after “pick up dry cleaning”.
2. Pictures of the aliens from Roswell N.M. We all know there are pictures of CIA guys playing “Weekend at Bernies” by posing for pictures with a dead alien back then. Show us the lifeless ET with a Groucho moustache or wearing a dress.
3. Oval office hidden camera pics of Bill Clinton getting a visit from Monica Lewinsky. The part where Hillary walks in and Bill won’t come out from behind the desk should be funny.
4. A list of all those in Congress making a medical insurance claim for treating an STD. Sure, seeing Ted Kennedy’s name with 34 occurrences wouldn’t be news worthy, but maybe we find out what really happened to Bob Dole’s right hand.
5. All the footage when we found Sadaam hiding in that fox hole. Show his bed pan, let us see how awful he did on the Sodoku puzzle he was working on. Who he was drafting in his upcoming Fantasy Terrorist League (he was rumored to have a lock on the shoe bomber).
So Julian, you just picked the wrong stuff to release. People will get behind you if you are showing pictures of Presidents picking their nose, satellite flyovers of topless beaches or proof Lady Gaga is a dude. Don’t be discouraged. We all make small mistakes that make all of your work fail. I once wrote a book that explained to cell phone company engineers how to properly stand up their satellite towers in 240 minutes, but it failed miserably because I titled it “The Four Hour Erection”. They didn’t even see their doctor.
Filed under: Past Flushes
