This article is a plea to all the women out there this holiday season. Give guys a break. By nature, men are terrible shoppers. We are hunters, shopping is for gatherers. I am not good at it and Christmas is just a stark reminder of that. Guys overcome our lack of shopping skills by being the person who drives, barbeques, takes the trash out or kills that spider in the bathroom, or who takes a golf club to investigate the noise in the middle of the night.
At Christmas, “it’s the thought that counts” comes into play and even though you send her good thoughts, you feel like you have to buy a few things. As apparent from my wardrobe, style isn’t my strong point. I need help buying clothes and usually someone has to tell me what matches, so me buying clothes as a gift would not be good. I have no idea what colors are “in”, and I have no prayer of getting the size right. When buying clothes as a gift to a woman, you don’t want to get the size wrong, since too big would have her say “is that what size you think I am? I am insulted!” and too small would have her say “is that what size you think I need to be? I am insulted!” It is a lose lose situation. Even if you worked hard and learned her size 10 years ago,that size may have changed so I would have it wrong anyway. This leads me to only buy clothing that an idiot (me) couldn’t get wrong. Gloves, scarves, slippers (shoe size doesn’t change too much) and robes are the safe clothing buys. Robes are actually tough because you have to know the right length. Unfortunately, these type clothing articles don’t wear out since you almost never wear them, so after 18 Christmas occasions, she has piles of gloves, slippers, scarves and robes and adding more to the pile seems unwise..
You may consider buying her some negligee, at least that is what you say when her friends ran into you wandering around Victoria’s secret. I fear shopping in Victoria’s Secret or Frederick’s of Hollywood because, I need to ask questions and I would probably ask the wrong question get someone spraying pepper spray into my eyes with 5 minutes of entering the store. My average is 4 minutes to be Maced.
Practical gifts are a no-no. To me, practical says it makes sense but when shopping for your loved one, it is somehow insulting. If you buy luggageyou are telling her to pack her bags. If you buy a crock pot it says you expect her to be cooking more. A blender says you drink too many margaritas. Exercise equipment says you need to lose weight. A cookbook says you don’t like her cooking. Of the practical gifts, only the electronic picture frame and a handgun (the 5 day waiting period ruins that for a procrastinator like me) seem to work. The day at the spa thing is cool but we have used that 10 times. The Lexus with a bow on top would work if somebody would just give you a free Lexus. Otherwise, that bow would need to stay in the trunk for the next owner once it is repossessed.
So that leaves the areas guys have trended to: jewelry, bath lotions and scented candles. I like the candles, but of course, when there is a power failure, you are told not to light them because they are not for providing light as cavemen invented them for. They are there to be pretty and provide a nice scent. I thought burning a candle gave off the scent. You look at all the different lotions, Sweet Pea, Japanese Cherry Blossom, Cucumber, Melon. If they had radish lotion you could have made a good salad. I liked the Sweet Pea but then there are more choices. The 4 ounce, the 8 ounce, or the dreaded gift set. It makes financial sense which guys like, but now you have to understand body lotion, bath oils, replenishing stuff, and the sponges that come with them to make it a set.
All that was left is jewelry. Guys know women have two ears. You may be super observant for a guy and done research and confirmed she had 2 pierced ears. Now you have to know, hoops or dangling ones. Let’s go with hoops. Then you have to decide if she is a gold or silver person. I think you should get one gold for one ear and one silver for the other, that way she gets to choose which ear gets which previous metal. I once bought a gold necklace from what I thought was a reputable vendor at a gas station. He said it was 14 carat. Once the necklace turns someone’s neck green you will realize that it wasn’t real gold. You can go back for a refund but your vendor is no longer at the air and water dispenser at the gas station. Let’s say you choose silver. Then you have to choose silver or sterling silver. Why does every decision a guy makes lead to another purchasing decision?
You buy those candles, bath and body stuff and the earrings, feeling mighty proud. Then you realize you have another duty, wrapping it all up. Another thing I can’t do is wrap. I am pretty good at estimating the piece of wrapping paper but I just can’t fold it on the bottom and make the corners tight. I also decide to pull the tape off to adjust it only to realize it pulled the design off the wrapping paper. I understand why people use those gift bags. I try to wrap it right but Monday Night Football keeps breaking my concentration. I don’t need any tags, I grab a Sharpie and proudly write my “to and from” right there on the paper. As you proudly place these gifts under the tree, she tells you that you used the wrong wrapping paper, yours isn’t matching the type she used for all the others. It clashes. Poor wrapping is good since she will know which is hers, the poorly wrapped gifts that clash.
So in closing, ladies, please show mercy on us guys. It is the thought that counts, and as guys, were are never going to earn style points. If guys were good at all this shopping, you wouldn’t want to be around us anyway. Christmas morning when you get to play with your earrings, Sweet Pea lotion, vanilla candles and possibly another pair of slippers, remember that your man isn’t Martha Stewart. We guys don’t complain that we don’t get to watch Thursday night college football because it conflicts with Grey’s Anatomy. Life is about balance and compromise.
Filed under: Past Flushes
