If you know me, you also know I love to talk about the good old days of sports in Chaffee in the 70’s and 80’s. Now that I am old, lazy and missing 50% of the cartilage I started with, my days of participating in sports is firmly in the rear view mirror, except playing hockey goalie on the living room floor as my 4 year old practices slap shots, or being the catcher in the backyard as my 14 year old decides to work on his slider. Both of those activities last 20 minutes and inevitably end with me on the receiving end of “the one that got away” as I roll on the ground with more testicular pain than if I had gotten a vasectomy from Michael J. Fox and assisted by Stevie Wonder. I think most dads agree to get their kids the Nintendo Wii Gaming System at the same time that dad is using a bag of frozen Green Giant Peas as therapeutic underwear. There is one sport I still participate in with vigor: verbal volleyball or maybe it is verbal tennis, it other words, arguing. (Donna Norton and Pam Arnold know first hand).
I think the word describing me is a contrarian. I enjoyed having a verbal jousting match and I like to take whatever the unpopular side is just to make it challenging. Whether calling in to a talk radio show, commenting on someone’s status on Facebook, or striking up a conversation at the urinal (we never shake hands when completed), I enjoy a competitive debate. So what is my Krypton (the things that weakens me if you never read a Superman comic) in having a nice discussion? There are three.
Krypton #1 – When someone uses the word “Whatever”. When you are discussing with anyone and they say “whatever” they have just thrown in the towel and you can dump the Gatorade over my head. Saying “whatever” is the same to me as saying “I can’t think of anything else so I give up”. Imagine Einstein speaking at a Physics Convention. He says “E = MC2” and another scientist says “No it doesn’t”, so Albert explains the theory of relativity and the other scientist says “whatever”. Would Einstein bother responding? He just won on a give-up.
Krypton #2 – Anytime someone says a word, followed by the same word except they dropped the first letter then added “schm” in front of it. Confused? Here is an example:
Doug: We need to go to the airport
Opponent: Airport, Schmairport
Doug: How am I supposed to argue that logic?
Opponent: Logic, Schmogic
I don’t know what people who use this process do when they have a word that already starts with “schm” like schmuck.
Doug: That guy is a schmuck.
Opponent: Schmuck, uh, er, Schmuck
It all started when someone coined the term “fancy schmancy” and has blossomed into a big weapon in the idiocracy of the world.
Krypton #3 – When an opponent evokes “The War on Terror” instead of reasoning. This is most commonly seen by using “if you do this, the terrorists win”. That was a good argument for responding to the attacks on September 11, 2001 but I think it goes too far to apply it beyond there. Someone tells me, “If you trade in your Chevy to buy a SAAB, the terrorists win”. First of all, I wouldn’t buy a SAAB, but is my purchase of a car made in Sweden really going to lift the spirits of Al Qaeda? When Osama bin Laden has a staff meeting, does one of his lieutenants stand up and say “well, the Americans killed 20% of our fighters this week, our training camps were destroyed, our fundraiser in Iran only sold 32 raffle tickets, but it appears that foreign car sales in the U.S. are up 3% this month, so let’s call it a win”. It is difficult to argue when someone pulls the patriotism card. I think people can support our troops and still eat Mexican food, drink Canadian Whiskey, play Chinese Checkers or travel from here to Timbuktu (I need to consult Google Maps to see where that is). I doubt the Taliban has a victory party when Americans buy afghans (the blankets, not the citizens) from Afghanistan.
Well, there you have it. If you find yourself in an argument with me, just say “whatever, terrorists win schmerrorists win” and I will concede you an intellectual victory. I will still have my chile rellenos.
Filed under: Past Flushes
