January 1 is when we make resolutions. February 1 must be the day for un-resolutions as most people have either forgot or abandoned their vows they made. Perhaps it is the after effects of the New Year’s Eve parties that leave us making promises to do better the next day, till reality kicks in about a week later.
Smoking and losing weight always lead the list of most common resolutions. I am guessing the new year is much more joyful for Jenny Craig than it is for the Marlboro Man. From what I have heard, people who quit smoking often say it makes them gain a few pounds, so pulling off the double resolution must be near impossible. And the gyms must really love New Years. People sign up for a year’s membership to lose that weight, then half give up by Valentine’s day but have to make those monthly payments until next January, which they will renew because they will have the same resolution next year. Are there rules on making resolutions? Does it have to be in a positive direction? Has anyone resolved to start smoking in January? Does anyone other than anorexics vow “this year, I resolve to put on 10 pounds of fat”?
People often make a resolution to drink less. It’s pretty easy since they probably ended the year getting it all out of their system, and they know that the Super Bowl grants immunity on all resolutions. Same thing for Valentine’s Day, Mardi Gras, St. Patrick’s Day and the NCAA’s March Madness basketball. We have enough holiday’s to create exemptions for sobriety that the only challenge one faces is whether they can get through another Arbor Day off the wagon.
Here’s another resolution, “this year I am going to be a nicer person”. Shouldn’t this be the basic lifetime resolution for everyone? How mean do you have to be to need a resolution to treat others better? Only Martha Stewart should use this one.
Is there anyone enforcing these resolutions? There should be Resolution Police who can invade people’s homes and demand they put down the cheesecake and Winstons because they have a resolution that must be enforced. Mother-in-laws would be filing civil lawsuits against you for not upholding the resolution to be nicer to them.
To our Catholic friends, they get to have a second set of resolutions when they have to give up something for Lent. This is a good chance to piggyback the resolution until mid spring and then both activities can be resumed in good conscience.
I think resolutions should be really hard to reach, almost impossible so when you fail to keep them, you can say that it was really an impossible task. That’s how I am going to do it. My resolutions:
- 7% body fat
- Regrow full head of hair
- Remember someone’s birthday
- Fart less
- Reduce my road rage by 5%
- Give money to my university
- Wrinkle free clothes all the time
- Not lose my wallet or keys
- Win American Idol
- Put the lid down
Filed under: Past Flushes
