I think the word describing me is a contrarian.  I enjoyed having a verbal jousting match and I like to take whatever the unpopular side is just to make it challenging.  Whether calling in to a talk radio show, commenting on someone’s status on Facebook, or striking up a conversation at the urinal (we never shake hands when completed), I enjoy a competitive debate.  So what is my Krypton (the things that weakens me if you never read a Superman comic) in having a nice discussion?  There are three.

Krypton #1 – When someone uses the word “Whatever”.  When you are discussing with anyone and they say “whatever” they have just thrown in the towel and you can dump the Gatorade over my head.  Saying “whatever” is the same to me as saying “I can’t think of anything else so I give up”.  Imagine Einstein speaking at a Physics Convention.  He says “E = MC2” and another scientist says “No it doesn’t”, so Albert explains the theory of relativity and the other scientist says “whatever”.  Would Einstein bother responding?  He just won on a give-up. 

Krypton #2 – Anytime someone says a word, followed by the same word except they dropped the first letter then added “schm” in front of it.  Confused?  Here is an example: 

Doug:  We need to go to the airport

Opponent:  Airport, Schmairport

Doug:  How am I supposed to argue that logic?

Opponent:  Logic, Schmogic

I don’t know what people who use this process do when they have a word that already starts with “schm” like schmuck. 

Doug:  That guy is a schmuck.

Opponent: Schmuck, uh, er, Schmuck

 It all started when someone coined the term “fancy schmancy” and has blossomed into a big weapon in the idiocracy of the world. 

Krypton #3 – When an opponent evokes “The War on Terror” instead of reasoning.  This is most commonly seen by using “if you do this, the terrorists win”.  That was a good argument for responding to the attacks on September 11, 2001 but I think it goes too far to apply it beyond there.  Someone tells me, “If you trade in your Chevy to buy a SAAB, the terrorists win”.  First of all, I wouldn’t buy a SAAB, but is my purchase of a car made in Sweden really going to lift the spirits of Al Qaeda?  When Osama bin Laden has a staff meeting, does one of his lieutenants stand up and say “well, the Americans killed 20% of our fighters this week, our training camps were destroyed, our fundraiser in Iran only sold 32 raffle tickets, but it appears that foreign car sales in the U.S. are up 3% this month, so let’s call it a win”.  It is difficult to argue when someone pulls the patriotism card.  I think people can support our troops and still eat Mexican food, drink Canadian Whiskey, play Chinese Checkers or travel from here to Timbuktu (I need to consult Google Maps to see where that is).  I doubt the Taliban has a victory party when Americans buy afghans (the blankets, not the citizens) from Afghanistan.

Well, there you have it.  If you find yourself in an argument with me, just say “whatever, terrorists win schmerrorists win” and I will concede you an intellectual victory.  I will still have my chile rellenos.

This article is a plea to all the women out there this holiday season.  Give guys a break.  By nature, men are terrible shoppers.  We are hunters, shopping is for gatherers.  I am not good at it and Christmas is just a stark reminder of that.  Guys overcome our lack of shopping skills by being the person who drives, barbeques, takes the trash out or kills that spider in the bathroom, or who takes a golf club to investigate the noise in the middle of the night.

 At Christmas, “it’s the thought that counts” comes into play and even though you send her good thoughts, you feel like you have to buy a few things.  As apparent from my wardrobe, style isn’t my strong point. I need help buying clothes and usually someone has to tell me what matches, so me buying clothes as a gift would not be good.  I have no idea what colors are “in”, and I have no prayer of getting the size right.  When buying clothes as a gift to a woman, you don’t want to get the size wrong, since too big would have her say “is that what size you think I am?  I am insulted!” and too small would have her say “is that what size you think I need to be?  I am insulted!”  It is a lose lose situation.  Even if you worked hard and learned her size 10 years ago,that size may have changed so I would have it wrong anyway.  This leads me to only buy clothing that an idiot (me) couldn’t get wrong.  Gloves, scarves, slippers (shoe size doesn’t change too  much) and robes are the safe clothing buys.  Robes are actually tough because you have to know the right length.  Unfortunately, these type clothing articles don’t wear out since you almost never wear them, so after 18 Christmas occasions, she has piles of gloves, slippers, scarves and robes and adding more to the pile seems unwise..

 You may consider buying her some negligee, at least that is what you say when her friends ran into you wandering around Victoria’s secret.   I fear shopping in Victoria’s Secret or Frederick’s of Hollywood because, I need to ask questions and I would probably ask the wrong question get someone spraying pepper spray into my eyes with 5 minutes of entering the store.  My average is 4 minutes to be Maced.

 Practical gifts are a no-no.  To me, practical says it makes sense but when shopping for your loved one, it is somehow insulting.  If you buy luggageyou are telling her to pack her bags.  If you buy a crock pot it says you expect her to be cooking more.  A blender says you drink too many margaritas.  Exercise equipment says you need to lose weight.  A cookbook says you don’t like her cooking.  Of the practical gifts, only the electronic picture frame and a handgun (the 5 day waiting period ruins that for a procrastinator like me) seem to work.  The day at the spa thing is cool but we have used that 10 times.  The Lexus with a bow on top would work if somebody would just give you a free Lexus.  Otherwise, that bow would need to stay in the trunk for the next owner once it is repossessed.

 So that leaves the areas guys have trended to:  jewelry, bath lotions and scented candles.  I like the candles, but of course, when there is a power failure, you are told not to light them because they are not for providing light as cavemen invented them for.  They are there to be pretty and provide a nice scent.  I thought burning a candle gave off the scent.  You look at all the different lotions, Sweet Pea, Japanese Cherry Blossom, Cucumber, Melon.  If they had radish lotion you could have made a good salad.  I liked the Sweet Pea but then there are more choices.  The 4 ounce, the 8 ounce, or the dreaded gift set.  It makes financial sense which guys like, but now you have to understand body lotion, bath oils, replenishing stuff, and the sponges that come with them to make it a set. 

All that was left is jewelry. Guys know women have two ears. You may be super observant for a guy and done research and confirmed she had 2 pierced ears. Now you have to know, hoops or dangling ones.  Let’s go with hoops.  Then you have to decide if she is a gold or silver person.  I think you should get one gold for one ear and one silver for the other, that way she gets to choose which ear gets which previous metal.  I once bought a gold necklace from what I thought was a reputable vendor at a gas station.  He said it was 14 carat.  Once the necklace turns someone’s neck green you will realize that it wasn’t real gold.  You can go back for a refund but your vendor is no longer at the air and water dispenser at the gas station.  Let’s say you choose silver.  Then you have to choose silver or sterling silver. Why does every decision a guy makes lead to another purchasing decision?

 You buy those candles, bath and body stuff and the earrings, feeling mighty proud.  Then you realize you have another duty, wrapping it all up.  Another thing I can’t do is wrap.  I am pretty good at estimating the piece of wrapping paper but I just can’t fold it on the bottom and make the corners tight.  I also decide to pull the tape off to adjust it only to realize it pulled the design off the wrapping paper.  I understand why people use those gift bags.  I try to wrap it right but Monday Night Football keeps breaking my concentration.  I don’t need any tags, I grab a Sharpie and proudly write my “to and from” right there on the paper.  As you proudly place these gifts under the tree, she tells you that you  used the wrong wrapping paper, yours isn’t matching the type she used for all the others.  It clashes. Poor wrapping is good since she will know which is hers, the poorly wrapped gifts that clash.  

 So in closing, ladies, please show mercy on us guys.  It is the thought that counts, and as guys, were are never going to earn style points.  If guys were good at all this shopping, you wouldn’t want to be around us anyway.  Christmas morning when you get to play with your earrings, Sweet Pea lotion, vanilla candles and possibly another pair of slippers, remember that your man isn’t Martha Stewart.  We guys don’t complain that we don’t get to watch Thursday night college football because it conflicts with Grey’s Anatomy.  Life is about balance and compromise. 

1. a self-luminous gaseous spheroidal celestial body of great mass which produces energy by means of nuclear fusion reactions (add a nuclear reaction and I am a this)
2. A five pointed (six for my Jewish friends) shape
3. the principal member of a theatrical or operatic company who usually plays the chief role; a highly publicized theatrical or motion-picture performer; an outstandingly talented performer (track star); a person who is preeminent in a particular field

It is that last one that gets me.  I don’t think Webster would define a star as someone “who is known to six persons” but apparently that is what the modern day definition must be.  Back in the day, a star was Charlton Heston, Terry Bradshaw or even temporarily those two guys from Millie Vanilli (Rob and Fab).  A large population knew these people and they were often beloved.   You didn’t have to explain who a star was. 

Fast forward to 2010 and look at what we call stars.  Every person who takes a camcorder on their honeymoon is considered an adult film star.  Apparently star status is achieved after 1 film.  Same thing for music.  A garage band stamps out 500 cd’s on their college computer and suddenly they call themselves rock stars.  In 1983 Dexy’s Midnight Runners were not “stars” for their  one song “Come On Eileen”.  They were musicians or recording artists.  Today the band would be rock stars and Eileen would likely also get adult film star status just from the title. 

My bigger gripe is with the most popular reality shows of these modern times, “Dancing With The Stars” (DWTS).  I am proud to be in the minority of people who have never watched that show.   I think the concept is fairly stupid and the judges do their best to emulate American Idol judges (The Brit, the sweet woman, the hip dude).  But I would like to examine just what ABC constitutes as stars. 

First, I will give you that Marie Osmond, Emmit Smith, Jerry Rice and a few others do deserve the star moniker.  They achieved greatness before the show.    Then you get the well known people but their achievements aren’t exactly top of their field.  I love Jennifer Grey but she was the second star in one dancing movie (which should disqualify her amateur dancing status) and she played the angry sister for 10 minutes in “Ferris Buehler’s day off.  Cameron and Mr. Rooney had bigger roles.   David Hasselfoff is well known but only a star in Germany.  Here was a soap opera doctor, the Knight Rider which was not a hit show, and a lifeguard on a syndicated show that was watched by guys and k.d. lang only for the girls jobbing on the beach.  If the Hoff was a star it was from enjoying a Whopper eaten off his kitchen floor when he was “Charlie Sheen drunk”.

Cloris Leachman was well known but usually as a supporting role except her spinoff role as Phyllis that lasted 2 years.  She did bring in the audience but only because people were fascinated by the possibility of someone dying of old age or breaking a hip on live TV.  Plus there are always roomers these “stars” were hooking up with their partners and people were curious to see if her 25 year old partner would drink from a milk carton that expired about the same time as Hitler did.  I bet during the competition they injected her with a horse’s hypodermic needle full of Boniva just to keep those calcium deficient legs from snapping like they belonged to Joe Theisman.

Then there is Bristol Palin.  Is she a star because John McCain chose her mom to be VP just so he could get lucky with Executive Order #69 if elected?  Or is Bristol a star because her boyfriend was in Playgirl (I only read it for the articles).  Or is she a star for being pregnant in high school (she could be a star on MTV’s 16 and Pregnant)?  None of those seem to me worthy of star status.  Why not get the grandson of Spiro Agnew or Dan Quayle on the show next season?  Better yet, the Pro Life movement could have a new strategy, standing outside abortion clinics and begging pregnant girls to instead head over to ABC studios to meet Tom Burgereon.  If they do start doing that, DWTS is likely to move from ABC to Fox News right away.  It seems Bristol was famous only because of other people, or at least other people’s inability to put on a condom correctly.  She did manage to boost the ratings as she proved what Sanjaya on American Idol almost did, you can’t let people vote for talent shows.  Who wouldn’t vote for Captain Sully Sullinberger if he were on “America’s Got Talent”?  Sure it takes talent to land a plane in a river but would that make his violin solo any better?

In my day (boy that makes me feel old) we had circus of the stars, and you got Victoria Principal, or John Ritter from Three’s Company.  We didn’t let Mr. Roper or Mr. Furley on that trapeze.  Today, our dancing stars are people from the Food Network, or Duane Lee the assistant to Dog the Bounty Hunter.  We had Bo or Luke Duke, but we didn’t make a star out of Enos or Cooter.    Tough luck Jim Bob from the Waltons, you too Ike Godsey.  When John Boy turned down our celebrity shows, they moved on to Bob Newhart or Mrs. Brady. 

I am looking forward to the next batch of “stars’:

1. The nerdy kid from Degrassi
2. Justin Beiber’s cousin Dustin Beiber
3. The janitor from Harry Potter
4. Robert Downey Sr.
5. Jacksonville Jaguar’s quarterback David Garoud
6. Roger Clinton
7. Chef Roy Ardee
8. Gellman, the producer for Regis
9. Creed from The Office
10. Ted, the narrator of “Call of Duty Black Ops” on Xbox
11. Harvey, the big gulping boss from TMZ
12. The Rod Serling look alike from the Geico commercials

And my Mom won’t miss an episode again.  In the words of Kasey Kasem “Keep reaching for the stars” because these days, that isn’t such that strenuous of a reach.